


Martin Sees Himself

by reluctantOracle



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Recovery, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:28:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24553897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reluctantOracle/pseuds/reluctantOracle
Summary: After the journey through the Lonely's domain, Martin and Jon have a talk about what happened. Martin realises how much he's grown. Takes place directly following episode 170
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 3
Kudos: 85





	Martin Sees Himself

**Author's Note:**

> episode: out  
> tears: flowing  
> i am forcibly projecting onto Martin Blackwood 
> 
> This is really short drabble because 170 left me emotionally spent and apparently all my tma fics are just the characters taking a damn break for once in their lives literally just want them to take a nap fam it isnt even funny

They had been walking for about an hour and a half, and Jon still hadn’t let go of his hand.

At first it had been comforting, the warmth of his skin chasing away a chill that the fog had left clinging to him like an oil slick sheen. But now, Martin realised, the grip was almost desperate, feverish and shaking, and so tight he was worried that Jon’s bones might shatter if he tensed any further. They had passed through a dull grey field and were now picking their way through the rubble of what once could have been a suburb, the charred remains of AstroTurf and picket fences crumbling softly under their feet. What was once a plastic slide had melted into a twisted mound of pink and dirty cream, and there was no one else to be seen. The sky, which was now a permanent dull red, had darkened with thick, bloated clouds that drifted across the straining sun. 

Martin stopped moving. The change in pace was so abrupt that it yanked Jon backwards a step, and he whirled round with a stark panic on his face. ‘What is it?’ he said, ‘what’s wrong?’ His eyes began to flicker green, scanning for whatever danger might have threatened them. If he had grown fangs, Martin thought, they would be bared in a defensive snarl. 

‘Hey.’ The response was soft, as though he were calming a startled animal. ‘I’m fine. I just wanted to talk.’   
Jon visibly relaxed, although he still hadn’t let go of his hand. The stray hairs that had started to lift of their own accord as though suddenly static drifted back down, leaving him frazzled but still generally defined by the laws of physics. He looked vaguely sheepish. ‘Oh, I see. I suppose now’s a good a time as any to take a break. I just wanted to get out of there.’ He led them to a chunk of wall which had remained relatively intact and sat against it.   
‘I just thought we should, you know, talk about what happened.’ Martin pressed himself against Jon’s side, feeling the other man melt into him with a long exhale. Jon was considerably smaller in size, and he seemed to fit almost naturally as he curled into the rough wool of his jumper. ‘It isn’t your fault, you know.’   
Jon was quiet for a moment. It took a moment to realise he was shaking. 

‘I lost you.’ He said. ‘I wasn’t watching, and I lost you.’

‘Don’t be stupid. It knew I was there, I don’t think anything we would have done could have changed that.’  
‘But if I had just…’   
‘Jon.’ The firmness in Martin’s voice surprised even himself. ‘You found me. I called to you and you came. That’s all there is to it.’   
His head was angled towards the ground, but Martin could tell he was biting his lip. ‘Is it?’ Jon said. ‘I knew what that place was, I knew, but I still didn’t watch you, I didn’t want to look too hard, and then I turned and you were just gone.’  
His other hand shifted so it was resting on Martin’s knee, as though he had to keep reminding himself that he was solid. ‘After everything that happened, I don’t want to lose you like that again.’ 

Despite everything, Martin found a strange sense of calm had settled over his body and mind, and he laughed softly.  
‘You know, a year ago I think that would have made me so happy.’ He told him, pressing his chin into the top of his head and offering a brief kiss. This stirred Jon, who shifted to meet his gaze, face twisted in confusion. ‘What?’  
‘Hearing that someone would come to rescue me. I spent so long dreaming of it, yknow? That someone would look at me and think, wow, that guy is someone worth saving.’ 

‘And now?’ Jon’s voice was tinged with uncertainty, ‘you haven’t changed your mind, have you? I can take you back if that’s what you want, I promise I won’t try to stop you.’   
‘No, idiot.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘Stop trying to get rid of me. What I mean is, a year ago I needed someone to tell me I was worth being rescued. That someone would look at this pathetic mess of a person,’ he gestured to himself, ‘and decide to try and fix it. And now I don’t think I need that.’ Pulling away slightly, he turned towards the other with an expression of open and earnest intensity. He felt clearer than he had in years. ‘You found me, yes, and I am always going to be so grateful for it. But   
I called you, Jon. I did that.’ 

For once in his life, it looked like Jonathan Sims was at a loss for words. His lips were parted slightly, and he stared with so much awe that Martin could feel himself   
blushing.   
‘I’m sure you’ve noticed, but I never exactly… Liked myself. At all.’   
‘You don’t have to tell me anything.’ Jon’s eyes snapped into focus, the words falling out of him almost automatically, but Martin shushed him. ‘I want to, don’t worry. I never liked myself, and it was hard to imagine anyone else liked me much either. I think that’s why it got me, really. The Lonely. I think it had always known I was in that place.’ His face twisted into a wry smile, ‘it did a pretty good job at convincing me I was right. Anyway, that’s what it focused on. That I was better off alone because everyone would just leave anyway.’ 

‘Martin, I…’ 

He shook his head, not finished. ‘But then I remembered you, Jon. And- and I remembered Tim and Sasha, and Melanie and Daisy and Basira, and they chose me. And I chose them back. I chose to protect them, to protect you, and how could I possibly be alone after all we’ve been through?’ he laughed, almost in disbelief. ‘Fuck, the only reason I agreed to work with Peter was for you guys. I did those things, and I mattered, and no matter what anyone tells me, even if that person is myself, we wouldn’t be here without me.’ 

He paused to take a shaky breath. Jon had that strange look on his face again, like he was staring at the sun beginning to rise over the horizon and touch the world with gold. Martin was about to ask what he was staring at, but he was interrupted by Jon leaning forward and pressing his forehead against his own.   
‘Martin Blackwood, I love you. And I think you’re the bravest person I know.’ 

‘I mean, at the moment I’m the only person you know. It’s just me and manifestations of the deepest of primal terror.’ 

Jon laughed, but didn’t move away. ‘Shut up, you know what I mean.’   
Martin relaxed into the embrace, letting his arms wrap around his boyfriend’s thin frame. Jon was trembling slightly. Martin thought he might be crying. 

‘You know what? I think I do.’


End file.
